didn't know i was broken ('til i wanted to change)
by midwestwind
Summary: Claire's self aware enough to know she hasn't really coped so much as avoided. Shoved it all to the back of her mind and packed her schedule from the moment she wakes up until she passes out at night and refuses to let herself be alone long enough to think about it. It doesn't stop her from waking up from dreams of helicopter blades and sharp claws and bloodstained teeth.


**AN: i started this to get it out of my mind (because i have seen this movie way too many times in the past month) and three days and a little over 10k (well ao3 is saying it's under but my document says it's over i really don't know anymore) words later and, well, here we are. i wish i knew what to say about it but i'm still very ? about it. i just wanted to get into claire's head a bit (bc i am also very ! about claire dearing what a princess) and really get her dealing with the aftermath of the incident. so this is what came of that. there's quite a bit of sibling bonding, some lowery/claire friendship, and some claire/owen romance thrown in there because i am a weak individual. i hope it's satisfactory and true to claire's (everyone else's) characters!**

 _For survival._

It stopped feeling like survival somewhere between the crowded hangar in Costa Rica and the airport in Madison. Karen had lent her a change of clothes and warned her to bundle up before they left the airport. The initial relief over seeing her sons and sister alive had worn off and Claire could sense some bitterness in her tone. She'd accepted the itchy wool scarf without comment and decided to choose her battles carefully where Karen was concerned.

"You have a _house_? In _Wisconsin_?" Owen had asked when she'd explained that she'd be flying home with her nephews. For the look he was giving her she might have told him she was planning on shacking up with the mosasaur.

"Yeah, well, I mean technically I still own it but I haven't lived there in, like, ten years." She'd paused to consider the time in her mind, trying to remember the last time she'd bothered to visit her own home, but shook herself out of it. "Masrani always expected park employees to have some sort of off site housing. Mine was just more for show. Don't you have something stateside?"

"No," he'd responded like it was no big deal but she'd thought of his little bungalow in the middle of what had suddenly become a much more dangerous jungle and the thought made her chest tighten.

"You can't go back there," she'd said at the same time he'd asked "do you think I'd like Wisconsin?" She'd frozen, shock blanket still tight around her shoulders as he stared at her fingers tightening on the thick material instead of her face. _Probably stick together._ She shrugged, the blanket scraping her cheek and ruffling her hair. He looked from her knuckles to her lips to her eyes as she responded.

"Only one way to find out."

Except that had been a seven hour plane ride and an adrenaline crash ago. Now, her sister was giving her a watered down cold shoulder, there were snowflakes falling into her still mostly tangled hair for the first time in a decade, and all the statistics she'd ever happened upon about relationships forged in crises were running through her mind. She also knew shock could last for days, which was becoming obvious from the fact that Gray's eyes keep darting around as if he's seeking out the danger and Zach flinches every time someone so much as brushes up against him.

Karen halfheartedly tries to convince her to come back to their house but Claire insists she needs to check on her own home. She'd been living at the resort for so long it was going to take some assimilating. She couldn't even remember which drawer she kept the forks in.

When she gets home, the first thing she does is search for the forks. She'd been renting the place out on and off over the years, mostly with Zara's help, but was fortunately in between tenants. The fridge is empty and the house is nearly as cold as the outside with the heat off. She forges a post it from one of the drawers in the office and leaves herself a note on the fridge to get the pipes checked for freezing. She knows she'll have to go grocery shopping and sort through the clothes stored in the attic. Eventually, she'll have to deal with Karen and Masrani Global.

Instead she cocoons herself in her bed and sleeps for fourteen hours straight.

Everyone takes to their own means of coping.

Karen takes up smoking. Claire can't be sure if it's because of the incident or the divorce but she knows better than to ask. She knows Karen blames herself for the incident as much as she blames Claire. Claire had known it was a bad time for the boys to come, had fought Karen on it but she'd insisted and pleaded and guilt tripped. Neither of them knew how bad the timing would actually be, of course, but there was enough guilt to go around.

Claire knows that Gray had an affinity for dinosaurs before the incident and that Karen had to return more than half of his Christmas gifts. She'd bullied Claire into going with her to return them and buy new ones.

"It's just too soon, isn't it?" She'd asked and Claire had hummed noncommittally before holding up some sort of remote controlled robot that seemed far too high tech for a children's toy for Karen's inspection. Her sister hadn't even looked at the price as she tossed it in the cart and moved on.

Owen runs like he never made it off the island. He'd showed up in Wisconsin a few days after her and managed to find an apartment easier than she'd have expected. After which, she'd done what a combination of her own self preservation and the trauma did best and pushed him away. He'd read her easily and she didn't know how to feel when, for the first time since she'd met him, he hadn't fought her.

"That's how it is, huh?" He'd asked and she'd flinched because it hadn't taken much effort to figure out why it was familiar. It lacked the coldness she'd expected. He'd sounded resigned and _tired_. She could relate.

She only knows that running has become his coping mechanism because she sees him nearly every morning. She drives downtown to get her coffee before she spends her days with lawyers and informing families of her _sincerest condolences_. The whole ritual makes her physically sick and she can barely keep herself from letting it show on her face. Seeing Owen, sweating in the Madison winter and running like something's on his heels, it shouldn't be a comfort but somehow it is. She never stops or waves, never tries to draw his attention to her and her brand new hybrid in any way but it helps regardless.

Claire's self aware enough to know she hasn't really coped so much as avoided. Shoved it all to the back of her mind and packed her schedule from the moment she wakes up until she passes out at night and refuses to let herself be alone long enough to think about it.

It doesn't stop her from waking up from dreams of helicopter blades and sharp claws and bloodstained teeth.

She knew Masrani Global was scrambling to spin the publicity in any way they could but the first time she sees herself on TV, black and white figure illuminated by the colorless glow of the flare, she barely makes it to the kitchen sink before she throws up her dinner. The dry heaving doesn't stop until she's sprawled on the floor wishing she had someone there to help her clean up, to smooth her hair back understandingly and tell her she's safe.

She considers calling Karen but drags herself into a hot shower instead. Scrubs until her skin is raw and repeats her schedule for the next morning to herself until there aren't roars ringing in her ears and red flames licking her wrist.

"Claire, come on, the boys really want to see you," Karen insists and Claire bites down on her lip so hard she tastes the metallic tang of blood close to the surface, skin not quite broken.

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm just-"

"Really busy, yeah, you said that. In fact, you've said it the last _four times_ I've tried to get you to come over for dinner." She hears the click of a lighter close to the speaker, Karen's words muffled slightly by the cigarette no doubt hanging between her lips. Claire forces herself not to comment as her fingers tighten around the steering wheel.

"Karen, I-" she tries again but her sister cuts her off. Karen's had an affinity for it since the incident and Claire is doing her best not to read too far into it.

"You've been back for two months and we still see you just as much as we did when you lived on that damn island! I know it's been hard, Claire, but it's been hard for all of us, okay? Just stop avoiding everyone who cares about you." She doesn't wait for a response, hanging up just as Claire pulls up to a red light and Owen rounds the corner.

She wonders if the universe could give her a God damned break.

Ian Malcolm breaks his media silence two and a half months after the incident to do an interview with Anderson Cooper. He condemns the park's actions which is hardly a surprise since he's been doing it since construction was announced in 2002. She considers not watching, knowing she'd be dragged into it, but convinces herself this might be something she'll need to know about. Malcolm uses a lot of buzz words and she knows the interview will make for a good amount of soundbites. His publicist must be crying out of pride.

Her phone rings as the clip of her splits the screen with Malcolm and her name is brought up. She's surprised when it's Lowery's name that crosses her screen but answers it as Malcolm commends her _heroic_ actions and talks about having met her years earlier, prior to the park opening a decade ago.

"He's kind of a dick," Lowery comments before she even greets him. She hums in acknowledgment, eyes glued to her own illuminated face as the paddock door opens and the T-Rex emerges. She remembers that Lowery had kept Malcolm's book at his desk for months prior to the incident. She wonders if he's rethinking his choice in heroes.

"He's not so bad in person," she responds as the feed ends and the screen slides back to normal. She's worked with Lowery long enough not to even question how he knew she'd be watching. Ian is still talking when she turns off the TV but she doubts she's heard the last of the interview.

Gray shows up at her house three days after his dad moves out and a week until the divorce is finalized. He's got an overstuffed backpack hanging from his shoulders and a cab driver waiting for payment in the driveway. She pays the fee and ushers him inside where she drops to her knees and hugs him as tightly as she can with her arms wrapped around him and his bulging backpack.

"You're not mad?" He asks quietly and it takes a minute for her to register what he means. The cab had only cost about twenty dollars and she knows Karen will offer to pay her back, even though she'll refuse. He's staring up at her but managing to avoid her eyes and suddenly it hits her and she's instantly crouched down again, tugging him into her embrace.

"I am _very_ happy to see you, Gray," she assures him. He nods against her shoulder and when the fabric of her shirt dampens she squeezes him tighter.

She gets him settled in the guestroom for the night and leaves him to make it his own while she calls Karen.

"Yeah, I figured he hadn't told you," she sighs at Karen's tearfully worried voice on the other end of the line.

"This isn't like him!" She insists. "He's just been so.. _distant_ lately. I don't know what to do." A faucet runs in the background and Claire thinks about her sister's tendency to clean when she feels a loss of control. She looks around her own kitchen and wonders if she should suggest Karen come over and teach her this brand of therapy.

"He's been through a lot," Claire offers unhelpfully, her voice quiet in case of eavesdroppers. Karen sighs and the running water cuts out.

"Now that everything is slowing down, I'm thinking about finding him and Zach a therapist. I want them to be able to talk to someone and they aren't talking to me." Claire leans back against the kitchen island and nods as she wraps an arm around herself.

"That's probably a good idea," she agrees, holds her breath as she waits for the other shoe to drop.

"Maybe you should talk to someone, too." There it is. To her credit, Karen sounds hesitant but genuinely concerned. It makes Claire's chest tighten and she nods even though Karen can't see her, even though she knows she won't.

"Maybe," she murmurs.

"I mean, it doesn't have to be a professional, Claire. Even if you just wanted to talk to me or – what's his name? Owen?" Claire closes her eyes tightly and the arm wrapped around her torso tightens. The stairs creak and she knows Gray is heading back down.

"Thanks, Karen, I appreciate it," she says instead of agreeing. "I'll bring Gray home in the morning, okay?" She hangs up as Gray rounds the banister and plasters on the best smile she can manage.

"Hey, you're mom says you can stay the night!" She enthuses as Gray pulls himself up on one of the stools lining the island. He nods but even she can tell his usual enthusiasm is muted around the edges. She thinks about the way he'd yelled her name across the lobby of the Innovation Center, hugged her like she was his favorite person before she'd immediately disappointed him. She bites her lip and pushes the memory from her mind. Mostly.

"Are you hungry?" He nods more eagerly this time and she laughs. "Where do you want to go? Absolutely anywhere within reason. Just name it."

It turns out Gray is easy to please. _Somewhere with pancakes_ is his only request so Claire looks up the nearest restaurants that serve breakfast all day. She wraps a scarf around his neck as he rolls his eyes before digging up the one Karen had given her at the airport. She's washed it with more softener than the bottle recommended and it's slightly less scratchy but it's somehow become one of her favorite articles of clothing.

She picks out a family diner about five minutes away and can't help but feel a bit of accomplishment when Gray's eyes light up as the waiter sets down two mugs of hot chocolate with generous amounts of whipped cream. Maybe she _can_ be the fun aunt.

Better than the near-death-experience aunt, a voice whispers and she's scolding herself for the thought when Gray's whole face lights up and he's shoving his arm in the air like an excited kid who knows _exactly_ where the T-Rex is native to and can't wait to share.

"Owen!" He calls out and Claire barely restrains herself from whipping around to spot the man in question. Instead, she tracks Gray's gaze until she can tell he's heading over and turns slowly. He puts a hand on the back of her booth and leans against it like everything is fine. She wonders if, for him, it is. Maybe the running really does help.

"Hey, kid," he greets warmly even as he avoids looking directly at her. Or maybe Owen's just a better actor than she'd realized. Gray is practically bouncing in his seat in excitement and she tries not to feel put out by his excitement over Owen specifically.

"Are you eating here? Do you want to join us?" Claire stiffens just as Owen pushes off of her booth and straightens up. She can see in Gray's face that the change doesn't go unnoticed. The kid's too damn smart for his own good. Owen glances sideways at her.

"Yeah, sure, if it's all right with your aunt," he shrugs and damn him for making this her decision. In hindsight it's how everything in their relationship has been – she didn't want the second date, she pushed him away after the island – and she can't decide if she hates him for it or, well. She isn't gonna finish that thought.

Gray is looking at her like he's trying to read her face and she's a little afraid that maybe the kid can. She twists her fingers together under the table but nods, giving as real of a smile as she can manage as she looks up towards Owen.

"Of course. Join us, please." Some of the nervous energy goes out of him and her smile feels more genuine as she shifts herself over in the booth to allow him room. They manage to make about six inches of space between their bodies while Gray talks a mile a minute until the waiter shows back up. True to his word, Gray orders a stack of chocolate chip pancakes and a hot chocolate refill. Claire wonders if Karen would let him have this much sugar in one sitting but can't bring herself to deny him. She orders herself french toast and Owen gets a burger.

"Don't you like breakfast food?" Gray questions him after the waiter walks away and Claire gives him a chastising look that he ignores as Owen shrugs and smirks at him.

"Nah, not really a breakfast person." Gray's jaw falls open comically and Claire bites back a grin.

"That's _blasphemy_ ," he whispers and it's so absurd Claire can't control herself. She barks out a laugh so loud that Owen stares at her for a few seconds longer than necessary in something akin to amazement.

"You heard him," she smirks at Owen. "Blasphemy." Gray is already diving into the whip cream on top of his new hot chocolate but Owen is smiling softly at her and the six inches suddenly feels like too much.

"So, what do you want to do when we get home?" Claire asks as she tightens the scarf around Gray's neck. He shrugs.

"Do you have Netflix?"

" _Of course_ I have Netflix," she grins, ruffles his hair a little before straightening up to tie the scarf around her own neck. Owen is leaning against the booth again, a leather jacket his only protection against the cold, waiting for them. There's a new kind of nervousness inside of her knowing that their little truce for Gray's sake is going to end as soon as she walks out of the diner.

"Maybe we can watch a movie," Gray suggests and Claire nods. "Can Owen come with us?"

Claire's eyes widen at the question and she looks over at Owen who looks less at ease at the question as well. She should say no, make up a reason why he can't and make it clear to him that it's crossing some line she drew in the first place.

"That's up to Owen," she says instead, which is as good as a blessing. She's beginning to think her strength was a fluke.

"What do you want to watch?" Owen asks in lieu of an answer and motions them to the door. Claire barely contains her smile.

"Something funny," Gray responds and Claire doesn't bother to contain the smile as she bumps her hip against his.

"Something funny it is."

Gray picks something animated and simple and Claire wonders if that isn't intentional. Owen's in the bathroom and Gray is half asleep against her on the couch when he shifts suddenly.

"Hey, Aunt Claire?" She hums in response and shifts to face him. "Zach says you don't want to see us anymore." Her chest tightens and she's so surprised by the not-question she sits up so fast Gray falls back into the cushions as she pauses the movie and turns to face him fully.

"What?" She vaguely registers the sink in the bathroom turning off and the door opening but ignores it. Gray covers a yawn with a shrug of his shoulder, hiding his mouth in his shirt sleeve before he continues.

"He says you're avoiding us because you can't cope." Fucking Zach. Doesn't he know sometimes people deserve the kindness of a lie? She ignores the pain in her chest as she prepares the line she's told Karen over and over again.

"I'm not," she stops, sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. "It's not that, Gray, okay? I've just been really busy." Gray nods but he still looks half asleep so she's not sure how much of this he'll actually remember. She wishes she could tell him the truth. Wishes she knew what the truth was.

"Yeah, that's what mom says whenever you don't come to dinner." Claire hesitates but lifts her hand to brush his hair back from his forehead after a moment.

"Gray, listen, I love you and Zach and your mother very much, okay? I meant it when I said I wasn't going to leave you." He nods, accepts her words easily, and she pulls him into a hug. Her eyes meet Owen's in the doorway and she can't handle the pieces she can see him putting together. Maybe if he figures her out he'll be able to clue her in. She feels Gray yawn against her and pulls away, insisting he head up to bed, promising they'd get waffles in the morning before she takes him home. He says goodnight to her and Owen and heads upstairs.

She waits until she hears the creaking of the bed just above them letting her know he's definitely in bed before she speaks.

"Karen wants him and Zach to see a therapist," she tells Owen as he settles back down on the couch. They don't bother to turn the movie back on.

"Probably not the worst idea," he shrugs.

"She thinks I should talk to someone, too," she continues as she picks at the fleece blanket in her lap. She can feel Owen's eyes on her face.

"Are you going to?"

She shakes her head, "I wouldn't know what to say." When he doesn't say anything else she looks up suddenly, feels the need to fill the silence.

"I'm sorry I had to push you away."

" _Had to_?" Leave it to Owen to latch onto her phrasing. She sighs and balls the blanket up in her fists.

"I'm not doing well, clearly," she huffs, "I can't barely deal with myself right now let alone anyone else." His hand lands on top of both of hers with the blanket in a tight knot between them and she stares at it. It's paler, his ever present tan fading from the Wisconsin winter but it's still darker than her own pale skin.

"Did you ever consider dealing with it might be easier if you had someone else?" She meets his eyes and he continues, "I'm not saying it has to be me but your nephews, your sister, they care about you, Claire. They want to help."

"I don't know if you know this about me but I'm kind of a control freak," she jokes and he gives her a dry look.

"You don't say." She bites back a smile and looks back down at their hands.

"I'm not so good at the whole asking for help thing." He gently pulls his hand away and nods as she looks up at him.

"I'll bet you're a fast learner, though," he comments offhandedly and pushes himself up from the couch. "I should probably go." Claire nods and pushes the blanket off of herself to walk him to the door.

"Thanks for this, by the way," she says as he pulls her front door open. "Gray's been having a tough go of it, I think seeing you really helped."

"Of course. He's a good kid, him and his brother, if they need anything don't hesitate to call." He pauses, tilts his head as if he's considering her and it's eerily reminiscent of the way his raptors had. "Or if _you_ need anything." She nods again, knows she won't call. He leaves with a gentle squeeze of her wrist. Her living room smells like syrup and Owen's cologne when she falls asleep on the couch.

She avoids national news, keeps herself informed through the international outlets. They'd moved on from the incident quicker. While she continues to deal with lawyers and grieving family members, she can't turn on the news without ending up hearing her own name. She's been idolized and vilified and she doesn't want to deserve either but knows which one feels more like a fit. The fuzzy video image of her has popped up online alongside Sylvia Plath quotes and mean spirited slurs alike. Both make her nauseous.

Masrani Global wants her to spin it for them and play the hero angle. She's had many arguments with Richard Weisner, the COO, over it. She doesn't much care how they play it but if they expect her to go on camera and play the unsung hero just to save the company a bit of face they're out of their minds. She won't subject herself and her family to that kind of scrutiny.

She knows they can't fire her because they won't be able to replace her. They'd asked her to move to San Diego or New York, somewhere where one of their major offices were, and she'd refused so they'd accommodated her with conference calls and the occasional need to commute. When they ask her to fly the two hours to New York they pay for the ticket. She can't bring herself to feel bad for the special treatment.

None of it matters anyway. She can't escape the praise and criticism the released security camera footage brought. She has no doubt in her mind Masrani Global had released it in the first place.

The next time she sees Owen, she's on her way to her usual coffee place. She'd switched her route for a few days in an effort to avoid him despite the fact that she still didn't think he knew she drove past him nearly every day. She'd decided she was being childish in switching her routine to avoid a _boy_ and forced herself to take her usual turn where she'd most likely see him round the street corner, run in place until the crosswalk was clear.

When he does, for the first time since she'd started seeing him there, he isn't alone. It takes a moment for her to register not only that the boy is with him but _who_ it is. When she does, she almost causes a traffic accident in her surprise. Her face burns in embarrassment as the women behind her cuts around her, flipping her off in the process. Owen looks around for the source of the confusion but she speeds through the intersection before he finds her car.

She waits until she reaches the parking lot of the Starbucks before she dials Karen through her cars Bluetooth.

"What's wrong?" Her sister answers and the words are muffled by a cigarette again. She's beginning to wonder if it's not the divorce or the near death experience but _her_ that's driving Karen to smoke.

"Why do you think something's wrong?"

"You only ever call me lately when something's wrong." Claire wishes she could debate that.

"Nothing's wrong, Karen, I was just wondering is Zach out running with Owen today?"

"Oh, yeah, I actually thought you'd set that up. He gave Gray his phone number and told him to call if he wanted to talk. Zach ended up taking him up on it, I mean Lord knows he won't talk to me or his dad, and Owen and him have gone running a few times. Owen says it's therapeutic but I don't know I mean it's _running._ Yuck." Claire grins at her sister's aversion to exercise.

"Oh, yeah, that was all Owen, I guess." Karen hums in surprise.

"Well, that was very nice of him, then," she says but the tone is calculating now and Claire wishes she hadn't called at all. "I'm surprised he didn't tell you."

"Yeah, well, we don't really talk much," Claire shrugs to herself, hoping the nonchalance of the action will translate into her voice. Karen sighs on the other hand and she knows it didn't.

"Oh," she says shortly and Claire leans her head against the steering wheel.

"Don't do that, okay?"

"Do _what_ , Claire?" Karen huffs.

"Don't say _oh_ like that. Like I've disappointed you, all right? I can't deal with it."

"I'm sorry, okay? I just forget how good you are at this," Karen says and Claire can hear the frown in her voice, can see her shaking her head and she wants to bang her head against the steering wheel.

"At what?" She asks quietly, fearing the answer.

"Pushing people away when it gets to be too much." Claire sucks in a breath because she doesn't know how to respond to that. She's never seen her actions that way but, God, _does she do that_? Karen must sense that she's struck her speechless. Not usually an easy feat. Karen sighs.

"Look, Claire, I love you. I know it's always been your defense mechanism and your defenses are way up right now. I get that. I'm just afraid you'll get so used to solitude you won't know how to let someone in even when you want to." Claire hesitates as she lets her sister's concern wash over her.

"Wow, Karen, I haven't even had my coffee yet," she teases and her sister laughs over the line, easing the tension in her chest. She promises to call for something other than bad news soon before they hang up.

She quits her job two minutes after they announce their plans to reopen the park. It only takes her an extra minute and half more than it should have because she's too stunned by the news to move.

She shows up at Owen's apartment with a bottle of tequila and her shoes dangling from her fingertips. He looks from her face to the glass bottle and back, doesn't even stall on her barefoot state before he motions her inside. It feels a little unfair but he had said if she _needed anything_ , hadn't he?

"They're reopening the park," she says in lieu of a greeting as he closes the apartment door behind her. He takes the tequila from her and leads her to the couch. She drops her shoes next to it as she sits down. His lack of response leaves her reeling for something else to say. "They're planning on calling you and Barry back in to corral the raptors. God only knows what they'll do with the T-Rex or, _jesus_ , the fucking pteranadons. I was at a conference in New York and they announced it to the room and I just _quit_. I was so stunned I wrote my resignation on a post-it note and walked out. Then I flew here."

She's just talking now but Owen is too quiet as he comes back over to the couch with two shot glasses and sits next to her. When he sets the glasses down and turns to face her she realizes why. His anger is quiet where hers is chaotic, simmering beneath the surface. She can see the tenseness in his shoulders, the tight line of his clenched jaw. The word that comes out of his mouth isn't what she's expecting.

" _Raptors_?" He asks, emphasizing the pluralization, and she could slap herself for the slip. She clasps her hands tightly to keep from fidgeting.

"The cameras on the island are still up," she explains, "they've caught two distinct raptors. The cameras don't have color so I don't know which one other than Blue, obviously, but there are definitely two of them."

"Delta," he says and she looks up in surprise.

"What?"

"It's Delta. I saw Charlie and Echo die. It has to be Delta." She nods, can't stop herself from ringing her hands together. He leans towards the coffee table and breaks the seal on the tequila and pours them each a shot.

"Would you go back?" She asks as he hands her one, downs his own immediately. "When they ask, will you say yes?" He doesn't answer for a minute, leans forward again to set his glass down and she takes the moment of silence to do her own shot, relishes in the burn down her throat. He's still slumped forward when she sees his shoulders relax a little and he shrugs.

"I don't have to decide tonight," he says and she figures that's as good as she's going to get for now.

He turns on CNN and pours them each another shot and they make a little game of it. Take a shot every time the island is mentioned. Take another every time her name comes up. Two if they use an Ian Malcolm soundbite. Three if they show the security camera footage. They don't really talk about anything serious but she thinks maybe, about this at least, Karen was right.

She wakes up on Owen's couch with a hang over and her arm dangling over his chest where he's sprawled on the floor beneath the couch. Her phone is trilling from the coffee table and she groans and leans across Owen, pressing her palm into the floor next to him for leverage, and taps at the answer button before it can go to voicemail.

"Hello?" She croaks and has to pull the phone away from her ear at Lowery's shout.

"Are they _serious_?" She almost topples off the couch and right on top of Owen in surprise. She doesn't have it in her to fake it.

"Lowery, please, I am more than a little hungover right now, okay? Just don't yell," she pleads and Lowery is silent for a minute.

"I don't know which topic to tackle first anymore," he says finally and she smirks, pushing off the floor and forcing herself into a sitting position as Owen groans and flips around on the floor, resembling a docked fish. She grins at the sight before remembering which topic Lowery had been talking about in the first place.

"Yes, they're very serious about it," she tells him, smile fading from her face at the reminding of the meeting the day before.

"You told them they're _insane_ I hope," he comments and she's worked with Lowery for years, had actually sat in on his interview, but she's never heard him this angry. Glib, sarcastic, annoyed, sure. But this is pure anger and she can't say she blames him. It was what had spurred her to drive straight from the airport to the liquor store and then to Owen's apartment.

"Well, I quit immediately after they told me so I hope they got the message."

"What's their plan? Do they realize there are _dinosaurs_ on that island? Dinosaurs that have _eaten people_?" She groans and presses the heel of her palm against her eye.

"Yes," she sighs, "they want to send a containment team." She looks down at Owen's sleeping form as Lowery scoffs on the other end. "They want to send Owen." There's another moment of silence and she wishes she hadn't said it. It's too much.

"I'm sorry," is all Lowery says and she nods even though he can't see her.

"I have to warn my sister before the announcement goes public," she tells him because it's just occurred to her that Karen deserves to hear it from her not some TV journalist with an opinion they think is news. "I'm gonna try to get more information. The minute I know anything new, you will." Lowery thanks her and she gets up to figure out where Owen keeps his coffee before she calls Karen.

He comes up behind her as she's filling the coffee pot and she doesn't hear him until he's so close his breath is ruffling her hair. She doesn't jump but can't stop the shiver that crawls down her spine.

"It's good to know you can keep yourself from jumping my bones even under the influence," he teases but his voice is low and rough with sleep and it's suddenly not very funny at all.

"You're a messy drunk," she shoots back, trying not to let him know how much he can affect her. He chuckles and she very nearly _feels_ it. His arms come around her but only to relieve her of the task of getting coffee made. She figures it's okay to let him do it since it is his house. Instead she moves back to the couch to inspect the tequila bottle. She holds it up and grimaces at Owen across the room as he smirks.

"God, I can't believe we drank this much," she groans, twisting the lid back on and returning to the kitchen.

"I can't believe you showed up here with a bottle of tequila."

"I thought it was an appropriate olive branch," she admits, placing the nearly empty bottle on the counter. "And I really wanted to get shitfaced last night." Owen laughs at that.

"Mission accomplished, Ms. Dearing."

She doesn't know where Henry Wu has been hiding himself for the past four months but he shows up just in time to give interview after interview about how much _better_ and _safer_ the park will be. How InGen has learned their limits and as scientists, they're constantly learning which boundaries are not to be breached. It sounds like a load of bullshit to Claire's ears but the media is gobbling it up.

"Does this guy actually believe his own bullshit?" Owen calls from her kitchen where he's pouring wine to go with dinner. It might be take away Chinese food but, dammit, they'll eat it off dishes and have wine and pretend either of them are at all capable in the kitchen. She imagines her mother is rolling over in her grave.

The thing about this thing with her and Owen, _whatever_ it is, is that, much like after the island, it hadn't taken much thought or effort. They'd just slipped into it and, surprisingly, it was one of the least chaotic things in her life at the moment. She still isn't spending any real time with Karen and the boys but at least she's not living in complete solitude anymore, so, baby steps.

"He's been involved with InGen since John Hammond hired him twenty some years ago," she explains, clicking the TV off and joining him at the kitchen table, "so, of course, the media is gonna eat up anything they can. The public wants to believe him." She takes her seat in front of her own plate and Owen places a wine glass beside it and nods at her assessment. She smiles up at him in thanks.

After Masrani Global's announcement that they would be taking the necessary steps to get the park out of bankruptcy and back up and running, Jurassic World had taken over the news with the same monopoly it had immediately following the incident. The major news networks were scrambling to secure interviews with Ian Malcolm and Alan Grant and anyone else they could convince to talk about the island. So far, Malcolm had only given a few and Grant had only been caught once by TMZ of all things where he politely told them exactly where they could shove their cameras. Ellie Sattler hasn't been in the public eye for anything aside from book promotions since the nineties – a lifestyle Claire fully appreciates.

"The first park was never even opened," Owen continues as he settles into his own seat, pulling her from her own head. "It never made it past the trial stage where – what – four people died? Why are people so fascinated by it still?" Claire shrugs, spears a piece of sesame chicken with one of her chopsticks.

"Apparently the shirts sell on eBay for upwards of two hundred and fifty dollars," she comments and, at Owen's raised eyebrow, adds, "Lowery." He nods like it all suddenly makes sense.

Construction on Jurassic World moves forward without Claire or Owen. Barry had even called from where he's living in Florida in disbelief at their offer. Claire had been sure Owen would go back if only to ensure the safety of his raptors, had seen him battling it and the knowledge that people were probably going to die.

"You know you can't save them, right?" She had asked one night when he'd evaded another call from InGen with what she was sure was a very handsome proposal. Owen had found a job at the local zoo that kept him paying rent and buying groceries so he didn't complain. He handled the big cats, kept them fed and healthy and it was probably still a safer job than his last but Claire couldn't help but consider how close to home he stayed. From one predator to another.

"Yeah," he'd sighed, slumped against the headboard of her bed while she sat at the end of it, unstrapping the heels she'd worn to dinner. "Yeah, I know." Next thing she'd known the calls from InGen had stopped and Owen didn't bother to mention it so neither did she.

Her own job hunt was leaving something to be desired but her payed off mortgage and sufficient savings from her nice Masrani paycheck was keeping her comfortable for a while. She knew she was a bit of a PR nightmare, the Jurassic World hero who'd quit right before the announcement of the reopening. The media knew there was a story there and, as she refused to talk about it, that made her a liability. No company wanted to hire an employee that could not only bring them bad press but also stood the chance of having a mental break at any moment.

Maybe she'd take a page from Ian Malcolm's playbook and write about her experience. That'd be new and exciting.

Owen's car is in the shop and they've been sharing hers for a few days so he's just picked her up from a job interview she doesn't feel optimistic about when Karen calls.

"Hey, Karen, I told you I'd call about the interview when I got home," Claire greets as she answers the phone over the cars Bluetooth. Karen takes a shaky breath and Claire sits up a little straighter. "What's wrong?"

"I completely forgot about your interview, I'm sorry," she starts but Claire shakes her head and cuts her off.

"Forget about that. What's wrong?"

"It's Zach. God, he's been so- I mean, he's a teenager so of course he's always like this but ever since, well, he's just been extra moody and I want to help him but he won't talk to me and it was getting better but it's just-"

"Karen," Claire cuts in again, "what do you need?" Karen takes a deep breath and Claire can tell she's calming herself down.

"He got in trouble at school and it's not the first time and if someone doesn't come get him it's gonna turn into, like, a _thing_ but I'm stuck at work and his dad's out of town for work so I just need-"

"Of course, we'll head over there now."

When they reach the high school, she barely has to think about the way to the school office even after fifteen years. Owen is close behind her as she rounds the corner into the waiting area of the office and Zach is slouched over with his elbows on his knees but watching the door.

"I knew it was you," he comments and, when she raises her eyebrows, explains with a nod towards her feet, "I could hear your shoes." She tells him and Owen to stay put and lets herself into the principal's office, ignoring the calls of the secretary.

It turns out Zach broke another kid's nose. By the time she leaves she's talked the principal down to a week of detention and a written apology. She waits until they're outside to tell Zach who grins at her like it's good news.

"That's awesome!"

"No, it's not," she chastises, "he was talking about a _suspension_. I don't think you understand how serious this is!"

"You don't even know what that asshole said."

"No, I don't and it doesn't matter, okay?" She sighs. "This isn't how you solve your problems, okay? I may have gotten you out of the suspension but his parents could still press charges if they decide to and I've dealt with enough lawyers in the past five months for a lifetime." Zach glares at her and Claire slumps, shaking her head.

"I don't know what you want from me, Zach, I'm _trying_ here."

"Are you?" He snaps. "Because it feels more like you're hiding. I used to hear mom say you'd moved to that island so you could have an ocean between you and everyone else. Well, there's no ocean here, Aunt Claire, what's the excuse now?" He storms off towards the parking lot before she can respond but she doesn't know how to anyway. She's learning more and more about what her family really thinks of her lately and she's not sure she can handle much more. Owen steps up to her and she'd nearly forgotten he was there.

"He's just upset. Do you want me to talk to him?" He offers and she feels her own anger bubble up. _Of course_ Owen can make it all better. He may as well have imprinted on her nephews like they were his fucking raptors with how easily they took to him.

"He's _my_ nephew," she snaps, "I can handle it." Owen puts his hands up in defense but she spins on her foot and follows Zach to the parking lot where he's standing aimlessly not knowing which car is hers but still trying his hardest to look extremely put out.

Karen invites Claire and Owen to dinner as a thank you for picking up Zach and Claire agrees more out of spite than any real interest in going out. Owen looks to her for approval when Karen insists they _both_ come but Claire is refusing to meet his eye so he agrees as well. She thinks that's mostly out of spite as well.

Gray practically throws himself at Claire when he sees her, wrapping his arms around her middle and squeezing. She responds eagerly and marvels at the fact that she'd seen him only a couple of months ago but he's growing like a weed. When Gray's attentions switch to Owen, Karen pulls Zach over.

"Did you thank your aunt for coming to get you today?" She asks, sending him a pointed look and Claire goes to insist it was nothing and that he doesn't need to thank her but Zach is suddenly looking sheepish rather than angry and he speaks before she can stop him.

"Thanks for saving me," he says and she's not sure if they're still talking about the principal's office but she nods anyway.

"Always," she promises and Karen must notice the shift because she reaches forward and squeezes Claire's hand while Zach smiles at her before the hostess leads them to their table. When they sit, Claire finds Owen's hand underneath the table and squeezes in apology. He catches her eye and shakes his head almost imperceptibly as he laces their fingers together and that's that.

The nightmares have become less violent, filled instead with the calls of predators she can't forget and vague jungle scenery. They rarely wake her up in fits of tears or screams anymore. The first week she'd been home she'd slept the initial adrenaline off with a dreamless sleep but had only managed to sleep in bursts of one terrifying dream to the next afterwards.

Somewhere between quitting Masrani Global and Owen practically living with her, the dreams that woke her up in a cold sweat, gripping the pillow and calling out the name of someone she loved had become few and far between. When they happened now, she usually wasn't alone when she woke which was more of a comfort than she had really expected it to be.

The first time she'd had a bad night while Owen was there, she'd woken up shaking and screaming while he tried to calm her down. He was leaning over her, stroking her upper arm when she woke up, murmuring soothing things in his sleepy voice while she'd thrashed and screamed. She'd woken with a final cry and he'd stared down at her wide-eyed, like he didn't know what to do now that she was awake, until she'd pushed herself away from him and out of the bed. She'd locked herself in the bathroom and thrown up twice before she could actually hear him trying to speak to her through the door.

"-let me in, okay? Please, Claire, please," he pleaded as she wiped the back of her hand across her mouth and crawled towards the door. She didn't unlock it, slumping against it instead. It was quiet for a minute until she heard the sound of his back hitting the door, felt the vibration of the door as he slid down it to the floor.

"I know it sucks, okay?" He tried again, quieter this time and she figured he knew she was right there. "I get them, too." She swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut, immediately regretted it. The dreams came rushing back. Sharp images and sharper teeth. So much blood and nothing she could do to save anyone. She'd gotten up and rinsed out her mouth in the sink, scrubbed the dried sweat from her skin with a washcloth.

When the lock clicked in the door she could hear Owen scrambling to his feet so she could open it. He was just standing in front of it when she pulled it open, blue t-shirt and clashing bright orange boxers. She'd almost smiled at the sight.

"Wanna talk about it?" He'd asked quietly and she did smile a little then but she shook her head. He nodded in response and took her hand, leading her slowly back to the bed, giving her the ability to tug free if she wanted. She trailed behind him, happy to let someone else lead for a moment. She crawled into bed, climbing over what has become his side to her own, and he slid in behind her. She rolled around to face him and he wrapped an arm around her waist, tugged her close.

"Are you sure-" He started to whisper but she cut him off with a hand on his jaw and a kiss. She'd slept easily through the rest of the night.

Seven months after the incident Karen calls Claire about Gray's birthday. Ever since her fight with Zach she's made it a priority to say yes as often as she can when Karen invites her to dinner. Sometimes she brings Owen but mostly she doesn't.

"He doesn't have a lot of friends at school," Karen explains, "and he asked if we could just do something the five of us."

"Five of us?" Claire asks as she puts away groceries.

"Yeah, he asked if Owen could come too but I told him that was up to Owen. I think he'd really like to see him, though if he's up for it." Claire hesitates with a box of pasta halfway in the cupboard. She doesn't want to make any promises for Owen but she can't stand the thought of a disappointed Gray.

"I'll talk to him about it but I'm sure he'd love to," she agrees.

When Owen shows up after work, she pitches the idea to him over Alfredo and garlic bread.

"Karen promised him we'd all go to an amusement park and, obviously you don't _have_ to go, I know family things can be uncomfortable. But Karen mentioned that he'd specifically asked about you so I just told her I'd mention it to you and-" Owen's been chewing while she talked but when he swallows he finally cuts off her babbling and, really, she's not sure when talking to fill the silence was a habit she developed but she really needs to kick it.

"Claire, stop," he cuts in, "of course I'll go if Gray wants me there." And it occurs to her suddenly that Owen has literally thrown himself between her nephews and death, risked his own life for them. He'd given Gray his number in case he needed anything and tried to help Zach find a way of coping that wasn't self-destructive. How could she possibly think he would deny Gray this little request on his birthday?

"Okay," she smiles and that's that.

They go shopping together for gifts at Owen's insistence but, once they get inside, she think it's really just that he wanted to screw around in a toy store. He hesitates almost teasingly at an aisle full of dinosaur figures and plushies and she glares at him until he smirks and moves forward to the next aisle. In the end, Owen picks out a surprisingly high tech science kit ( _"Does he like science? Kid seems like he likes science." "I think he'll like anything you get him, honestly."_ ) and Claire buys him a silver iPod touch from the electronics store next door. She knows Karen will yell at her for it after she sees it but she can't bring herself to care.

"Fun Aunt Claire," Owen smirks when she tells him Karen is going to kill her.

When they actually get to the amusement park of Gray's choosing she realizes almost immediately that she should have thought it through a little better. The park gates make her anxious and it's different but it's the same. Her chest tightens and she knows nothing is going to break down and try to eat her but she can't shake the feeling of a lurking danger anyway. She doesn't know if Owen senses her change of demeanor or if he's feeling the same way but he finds her hand and squeezes once before urging her forward. When they find her sister and nephews, Karen's handing out tickets, Gray is bouncing on the balls of his feet, and Zach is flirting with a girl waiting in line to buy her own tickets. Gray gives a shout when he sees them and immediately breaks away from his mother who is already looking flustered. Zach notices the commotion and leaves the girl to join his mother.

When they reach Zach and Karen, Gray is bouncing around them talking a faster than Claire can keep up and she hasn't even been able to tell him happy birthday yet but she leaves him with Owen to greet her sister who pulls her into a tight hug and thanks her for making sure the adults outnumbered the kids.

"Well, I brought Owen so I wouldn't count on that," Claire laughs and then Zach pulls her into a hug which is it's own brand of surprising but she isn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"Nice shoes," he comments in her ear and she thinks of the pair of sneakers she'd bought specifically for the occasion and rolls her eyes.

"Okay, smartypants." He pulls back and smiles at her before going to greet Owen and she finally takes the opportunity to tug Gray away and give him a hug and wish him happy birthday. He's still growing and she swears he'll be as tall as her soon. She's glad she'll be around to see it.

Later in the day, after they'd done presents at lunch and Owen and Karen had taken everything back to the car, the boys drag Owen off to play one of the shooting games and Karen pulls Claire off to find where they sell the "adult drinks".

"I can't believe you bought him that iPod," Karen complains as they wait in line for overpriced beers. It'd be hours still until they'd have to drive home and had decided one drink each would hardly be child endangerment. Not that she'd say this out loud, especially to Karen, but Claire has certainly put the boys in worse situations.

"I wanted to be the fun aunt, okay?" Claire laughs but sobers, not willing to ruin the day by upsetting her sister. "Are you really mad?"

"No," Karen sighs, "I just wish you'd given me a heads up."

"Next time I will check with you, I promise." Claire makes a gesture of crossing her heart with her index finger and Karen rolls her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah." The line shuffles forward in increments and Karen wraps her arm around Claire's back and tugs her to her side. "Hey, Claire."

"Hey, Karen."

"You're happy, right?" Claire pauses, studies the sincerity in her sister's face. She thinks about Owen and her nephews off trying to play a rigged game for a cheap prize. She thinks about her new job that's about fifteen steps down from her last job and her fluctuating bank account. She thinks about the dreams that rarely wake her in terrifying fits anymore, the way she can watch the news and only hear her name every few weeks. Her sister standing next to her with sincere concern on her face as she waits to hear the truth rather than the words she wants to hear.

"Yeah," Claire decides and it feels sort of like she's letting herself in on the news, too, "yeah, I am."

"And you're, you know, _okay_?" Karen follows up and Claire tilts her head from side to side. She hasn't had a lot of time to get her hair trimmed as regularly anymore and it slides against shoulder blades at the movement.

"That's a different question," she admits because the dreams aren't as frequent but they're still there at the back of her mind. Her chest tightened up at just the sight of amusement park gates. The sight of her own face on the news channel when Masrani Global or InGen make the park news again still makes her a little nauseous. But it's not with the same ferocity that it had been.

"Is that a 'no'?" Karen asks and Claire smiles at her, wraps her own arm around her sister and squeezes gently.

"It's an 'I'm getting there'," she explains and Karen nods as the line shuffles forward again.

"Good," she says.

"Yeah," Claire agrees to herself with a smile, "good."

Masrani Global announces the reopening date of the park on the same day as Zach's graduation. Claire hears the news in passing as Owen struggles with his tie and she shuts the TV off. She decides to ignore Lowery's texts until the celebrations are finished and pushes Owen out the door insisting he looks fine without the tie because they're going to be late as it is.

Zach graduates in the top twenty of his class and has been accepted to a college in Illinois and Karen is coping with his imminent departure by avoiding the reality of it unless absolutely necessary. She's almost completely kicked her smoking habit and Claire thinks it all feels like progress.

She doesn't think about the park for the rest of the day and she doesn't realize until the next day how much that feels like progress, too.


End file.
